Am I Missing Something?

Every day I ride my bike to class at NYU and I always hear the same thing. I walk out to the store and I hear the same thing. I hang out outside with my friends and I hear the same thing. What is it? Honking horns in New York City. I just can't understand it! It seems as though no matter where I am in the city, everyone is just as loud and annoying as they are everywhere else. These loud and obnoxious noises rattle through my brain, shaking the very fibers of my being. But is it just a sound? Or am I missing something?

Horn honkers… please think about others... Does it give you satisfaction to know that your horn is the loudest? Guys, does having a louder horn mean you have a bigger… horn?

Maybe I do understand... Maybe it's about being the cool person in New York. Maybe by blowing your horn more often and being more annoying and louder than the rest of the people around here, you win an award! That’s a possibility; I mean God knows, I've only lived here for four years, so maybe I’m missing something. I guess I shouldn’t be giving you advice on the matter because of that…

Maybe it's a call for help! That must be the big secret I’m missing out on. Though no gallant troop of cavalry ever galloped down to a car honking for help. No Gandalf the Grey showed up to wave his magic walking stick and blow all the cars away around him. But maybe I was looking the wrong way.

I guess I just mustn’t be that observant, because it seems to me that everyone is blowing their call for help, so I suppose it must do something... Though again, I can only speculate since I’m always looking the wrong way.

Maybe honking the horn is a call for God the Almighty to reach down his hand and lift up your car and pull it to safety. Maybe it's an instant escape that automatically gets you out of Manhattan, away from the rush hour traffic. Maybe everyone has managed to link their car horn to an emergency system so that a fire truck will come by and smash all the other cars out of the way. Again, I want to know what happens, but I’m always looking the wrong way!

Speaking of fire trucks, they truly have the loudest and most epic of horns, don't they? They come through town, blowing the shit out of the world. It's like giving a big middle finger to mother earth and saying, I'm God. Now listen to me! And then a magical wind comes down and all the cars blow away to make room for the Fire Truck of Glory to pass through and continue on it's way… back to the station in time for bagels and coffee.

I must be missing out. I have never had these magical experiences happen to me when I drive around in Colorado... Why? Why does my horn not call unicorns down from the heavens and magical fireballs to destroy all the traffic in my path? Maybe its because I drive a Ford...

But you know what? I’m one of those “if I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist” people. I believe that the only thing that happens when people blow their horn is that they piss everyone off... So I just want to say: Drivers, please stop blowing your horns! All you’re doing is annoying everyone! Now maybe that's what turns you on... Maybe you wake up fondling yourself every morning, thinking, “I'm really excited to piss people off by blowing my horn today!” But then again, maybe you're just an idiot. I won't assume one over the other, because I don't want to take a chance offending you.

I wish I could give you some advice on why to stop blowing your horns… but I don’t want to spoil your dreams and beliefs. I don’t want to kill that little glimmer of hope that you have… that maybe, just maybe, blowing your horn will bring Dumbledore down from Hogwarts to save you. You can be hopeful. Just know that in the meantime, every pedestrian in New York City will want to beat the living shit out of you. And who’s going to save you then? Not your horn…